Everything to Everyone

Do you have a smartphone?

I do…

It is wonderful. It has really given me everything I need in life. I now have email, a web browser, maps, a notebook, a calculator, a clock, a camera, a recorder, a guitar tuner, a level, everything! It is always with me, my companion, my copilot.

…Oh, and a phone. Did I mention the phone bit? Yeah…

Wait, you don’t have a smartphone?! How do you know what time it is? How can you possibly know where you are or where you’re going? What if you have to take a note, or read a news article, or want to play a game of solitaire while waiting at the dentist? How do you get your emails?!

Oh, you have a watch to tell the time? Huh. A bit antiquated, but I guess it could work…

And GPS? Wait, you don’t use that? They still make maps in paper form? Well I’ll be…

Well what about all the rest of the things I mentioned? Huh? Wait wait wait, slow down. You have a notebook… a newspaper… a deck of CARDS?! You… *gasp* don’t READ your emails unless you’re at a computer?! Wow, just… I can’t even.

What if you’re wrong?

Betcha nobody’s ever asked you THAT before, eh?

What if you’re wrong about owning a smartphone? Your life could have so much more meaning if you got one. Is it the price? Cmon, they aren’t THAT expensive when you think about it. Considering what you get, I mean. You’ve got nothing to lose and everything to gain!

I think you need help. What did Apple do to you? Why are you so angry at technology anyway? It isn’t fair to discard all of technology just because some uncle touched you with a remote control when you were five years old. He didn’t? Then what’s the problem?

You need to come to my Apple Store this weekend. It’s fun! They always have fun music playing and the genius guy is so nice. It’s like a rock concert! I know you think that computer hardware stores are stuffy and boring, like in the old days, but they’ve changed now! Sometimes we just hang out, you don’t have to get a smartphone right away if you don’t want to. There’s no pressure at all. None, I promise.

Now, there’s usually a call to buy at the end of the service –er, seminar, but it’s not a big deal. You don’t have to go up to the counter the first day if you don’t want to. Nobody will know.

Look, at the very least let me give you some tracts –er, literature to look over. Try to be open-minded about this. I’d hate to see you suffer the eternal torment of not being on facebook/twitter/instagram/etc. all the time. I want to see you on the iCloud! Not stuck in meatspace…

Hang on a second, here’s Allen. Hey, Allen! Come over here a sec. Look, can you talk to my friend here about the joys of owning a smartphone? Thanks, it means a lot. I know, right? How does he live like this? I’ve been trying to tell him. Look he’s going to the Apple Store with me this weekend if you want to join us too. It’s the one at the Mall. Which Apple Store do you go to again?

Whu-wait, you what? Oh… I’m sorry, I didn’t know that about you. No, I’m not offended, I just thought you were… we’ll talk about it later. No no no, I’ll tell him. It’s his choice after all.

Sorry about that, I didn’t mean for tha— oh no no no, he has a smartphone. It’s just…

I didn’t know he was a user of …Android. He certainly didn’t look like a Droid-head. I mean, everyone knows when you say ‘smartphone’ you MEAN “iPhone”, it’s usually a given is all. Sorry, that really took me for a loop. Allen’s a nice guy, I just never suspected that about him.

BUT… but at least he HAS a smartphone.

Sure, it may not be the one True™ smartphone, but–NO! Er, no no, trust me you’ll want an iPhone, not a stinkin “Droid”. It’s just better that way. Don’t worry about Allen, I’m sure he’ll come around to the truth. It’s just probably how he was raised, you know? If you don’t grow up with the right surroundings, the right culture, you know? Probably a result of pier pressure, I’m guessing all his friends had “Gates-boxes” when he was growing up and was never exposed to the right things. We gotta do something about the schools around here.

Sorry, I’m getting off the subject. Where was I?

Look, come to mass, er, the mall this weekend and let me at least show you some of the models they have. They’re free! Mine was.

…with my 2+ year contract.

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